HA HA

http://www.doheth.co.uk/funny/google

I'm aware what the rules are, but you know that I will run

Why are there no pictures of Cyndi Lauper hanging out with Tori Amos? I want them to hang out. Maybe I should do this thing where I trick them both into meeting at the same place, and they'll hang out, or maybe I can hang out with Tori and get Cyndi to agree to just show up to where we're hanging out, or I can pretend to be a cab driver and drive Cyndi Lauper to Tori Amos' house instead of where I'm supposed to drive her.

Biz Markie's BEAT OF THE DAAAAAAYYY!!!

CHOPD N SCREWD!!! JUST A FRIEND!!


HALLOWEEN BEAT OF THE DAY!!!

This is soooo funny!

Things I Remember, 24 hour version

• Yesterday while I was walking home, these two guys in a pickup truck who had just gone through the drive-thru of Taco Bell drove quickly past me and down Sacremento, and the passengertard yelled out the window, "Where'd you get that shit, Men's Warehouse? HAHA!"
• While at the main library downtown, a kid told his mom he wanted to get a bunch of books there and give them to people as Christmas presents. Then she set him straight on the library biz.
• Some old guy outside the library asked if my coat was British or American. I said probably American because it had eagles on the buttons and was manufactured in South Jersey. He said there's a whole society of people who wear and collect authentic WWII coats and things and that mine might be worth money if it's in good condition, which it is, besides the fact that I moved some buttons around and resewed them.
• Some chess enthusiasts were having a mini-tournament at Coffee Time and this one dork did a Count Chocula impression the whole time.
  
• I was at Cinema 21 around midnight because I thought there was a party either there or across the street at the bar. I thought I saw Seth walking down the sidewalk toward me, but it was just this crazy old homeless guy who was dressed like Seth and looked like him. Or maybe it was him doing a crazy old homeless guy impression. Then I went across the street and tried to buy a hot dog from two middle-aged punk rock girls, but they were three dollars and I only had two. There was a homeless guy pretending to shoot an air-machine-gun at the hot dog ladies. I then went to the bar that I thought the party might be at, but it turned out to be a gay karaoke bar and there were two guys rubbing against each other and singing some song, so I asked the doorman if the shoe party was there and he said no. Maybe that was the party last night. I guess tonight was the Auteur party or something, I'm all mixed up.
  

This is the kind of thing you do when you're awesome!

I've given into my love of m.lew

why do I love her so much? I think she's adorable and quaint. She's on my list of celebrities that I'm SURE I'd get along with really well (Dolly Parton, Mandy Moore, Roseanne, Goldie Hawn). Why?? Is it all about the bjs? Maybe it's the hats and the bows. I loved them before Blair came into my life. But you've gotta admit that's she's kinda the confused fat older sister of Blair Waldorf who turned into a girl with low self-esteem and just wants a little nice male attention. And Bill Clinton is a fucking fox. Silver fox. Out of older men, he's a gem. She knows what she likes and she goes for it (g-string anyone?). Also, you can tell she's dirty. I bet she basically invented dirty talk. I bet she does it really smoothly, like one second she's like "oh yes mr. president I'll get those forms on your desk by tomorrow," but then the next second she says, "now I want you to take that cigar and put it deep in my vag. BTW did you see my g-string? Bite it."




she's totally sweet and adorable and I'd invite her to a girl party any day. She BJd the PRESIDENT! think of the stories she could tell. Plus she makes handbags now. I bet she's a great shopping buddy.

This is my room.

Why is nobody posting on here anymore?

Also, whoever can, you should limit the number of posts on the page because it keeps freezing and crashing the browser because it's loading too much. This is really funny:

See more funny videos at Funny or Die

I chose a random poetry book to read while eating lunch and the first poem in it is really weird!

I'm going to try to approximate the indention:

A BERRY FEAST

1

Fur the color of mud, the smooth loper
Crapulous old man, a drifter,
Praises! of Coyote the Nasty, the fat
Puppy that abused himself, the ugly gambler,
Bringer of goodies.

    In bearshit find it in August,
    Neat pile on the fragrant trail, in late
    August, perhaps by a Larch tree
    Bear has been eating the berries.
              high meadow, late summer, snow gone
    Blackbear
              eating berries, married
    To a woman whose breasts bleed
    From nursing the half-human cubs.
         Somewhere of couse there are people
         collecting and junking, gibbering all day,

"Where I shoot my arrows
"There is the sunflower's shade
           --song of the rattlesnake
              coiled in the boulder's groin
"K'ak, k'ak, k'ak!
              sang Coyote. Mating with
              humankind--

          The Chainsaw falls for boards of pine,
          Suburban bedrooms, block on block
          Will waver with this grain and knot,
          The maddening shapes will start and fade
          Each morning when commuters wake--
          Joined boards hung on frames,
                    a box to catch the biped in.

               and shadow swings around the tree
     Shifting on the berrybush
               from leaf to leaf across each day
     The shadow swings around the tree.


2

     Three, down, through windows
     Dawn leaping cats, all barred brown, grey
     Whiskers aflame
               bits of mouse on the tongue

     Washing the coffeepot in the river
               the baby yelling for breakfast,
     Her breasts, black-nippled, blue-veined, heavy,
     Hung through the loose shirt
               squeezed, with the free hand
                    white jet in three cups,
     Cats at dawn
               derry derry down

Creeks wash clean where trout hide
We chew the black plug
Sleep on needles through long afternoons
               "you shall be owl
               "you shall be sparrow
               "you will grow thick and green, people
               "will eat you, you berries!
Coyote: shot from the car, two ears,
A tail, bring bounty

     Clanks of tread
               oxen of Shang
               moving the measured road

Bronze bells at the throat
Bronze balls on the horns, the bright Oxen
Chanting through sunlight and dust
          wheeling logs down hills
             into heaps,
                            the yellow
       Fat-snout Caterpillar, tread toppling forward
       Leaf on leaf, roots in gold volcanic dirt.

     When
     Snow melts back
          from the trees
     Bare branches      knobbed pine twigs
        hot sun on wet flowers
     Green shoots of huckleberry
     Breaking through snow.


3

       Belly stretched taut in a bulge
       Breasts swelling as you guzzle beer, who wants
                         Nirvana?
       Here is water, wine, beer
       Enough books for a week
       A mess of afterbirth,
       A smell of hot earth, a warm mist
       Steams from the crotch

"You can't be killers all your life
"The people are coming--
          --and when Magpie
Revived him, limp rag of fur in the river
Drowned and drifting, fish-food in the shallows,
"Fuck you!" sang Coyote
               and ran.

     Delicate blue-black, sweeter from meadows
     Small and tart in the valleys, with light blue dust
     Huckleberries scatter through pine woods
     Crowd along gullies, climb dusty cliffs,
     Spread through the air by birds;
     Find them in droppings of bear.

        "Stopped in the night
        "Are hot pancakes in a bright room
        "Drank coffee, read the paper
        "In a strange town, drove on,
           singing, as the drunkard swerved the car
        "Wake from your dreams, bright ladies!
        "Tighten your legs, squeeze demons from
           the crotch with rigid thighs
        "Young red-eyed men will come
        "With limp erections, snuffling cries
        "To dry your stiffening bodies in the sun!

        Woke at the beach. Grey dawn,
        Drenched with rain. One naked man
        Frying his horsemeat on a stone.


4

Coyote yelps, a knife!
Sunrise on yellow rocks.
People gone, death no disaster,
Clear sun in the scrubbed sky
                   empty and bright
Lizards scurry from darkness
We lizards sun on yellow rocks.

     See, from the foothills
     Shred of river glinting, trailing,
     To flatlands, the city:
               glare of haze in the valley horizon
     Sun caught on glass gleams and goes.
     From cool springs under cedar
     On his haunches, white grin,
               long tongue panting, he watches:

Dead city in dry summer,
Where berries grow.

- Gary Snyder

Here's a poem I like better by a guy named Wallace Stevens, especially the last three lines:

One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;

And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter

Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,

Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place

For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is.

I like putting words on pictures that I find.

Like this:FYI, I can't load the blog page anymore because there's too much stuff on one page.

outfit pictures

I don't even know if people can understand what I write sometimes.

"The imagination has the power to define a solid simply by observing and understanding it's characteristically-shaped boundaries in three-dimensional space, even when these boundaries are only line segments permeating the void, just as a line drawing on a piece of paper can be understood and interpreted according to the permeation of the conceptually void, limited two-dimensional plane on which it exists. This is what gives Sandback's work it's power: it is not simply a random set of interconnected vertices, but a carefully thought out (although not predetermined, as Sandback points out) intuitive architecture that gives the space shape, size, and meaning. In one sense, the void ceases to be the void as a whole, and is transformed, rather, into a nested set of containers: the space now contains a virtual object defined by Sandback's yarn, which in turn contains a void which could potentially contain another virtual object, and so on. In another sense, the virtual object defined by Sandback's yarn gives constraint to the room, and so contains it, although not physically. A room tends to look larger when there are no conceivable solid objects in it, and can be shaped or changed by the objects that coexist within it, and this is Sandback's device. "

Celebrities getting tased!!

how to have an orgasmic vagina

http://www.kegelmaster2000.com/

If I didn't suddenly have to find a job, place to live, replacement housemates, and work on finals, I might have gone to my High School Reunion.

It's at Fanny & Alexander's. That place kinda sucks anyway.

Name:
James Pereira

Email Address:
my.____.__.james@gmail.com

Where do you currently live (city, state, country)?
Portland, Oregon, USA

What is the most remote or craziest place you have lived since graduating from Paly?
Portland! Best place too!

What is your current job & title?
Freelance illustrator, web designer, tech and design guy

What is the most interesting job you've had since graduating from Paly?
Engineer at Facebook

If you are married, what is the exact date of your wedding?

If you have children, how many?

What is your favorite Paly memory?
My favorite memory may be working with Mrs. Rogers and the other woman who worked in the main office at the time. I wish I could remember her name.

Who was your favorite Paly teacher and why?
Doug Bertain. He was probably one of the only teachers I had who, rather than cramming data and structure down students' throats, respectfully gave them creative control. I felt free to learn through experimentation in his classes and I felt as if I were part of a team rather than "another brick in the wall". A close second is Mike McGovern.

This is totally funny!

KIMBO SLICE!

This video is of the only time Kimbo Slice actually lost a fight on film. The guy fighting Kimbo is a Boston police officer named Sean "The Cannon" Gannon. This one guy named Petruzelli technically beat him once, but it's only because he slipped and in that particular match you had to stay on your feet.

the comic at the bottom is penis nose

No matter where you go, there you are.

I just met Stephen Baldwin! I was walking down the street and he was hanging out in an enclave trying on three pairs of shoes, including a nice pair of cowboy boots, and he said, "Hey." as I walked past. So I stopped to talk to him. His brother, who has a different last name, works in radio on the East Coast, and he used to work on and install Caterpillar Magnetohydrodynamic submarine drives. Then he got out of the Navy and became a plumber and installer, and when installing things, he'd sometimes ask guys, "How wide do you want the counter to be? You wanna be able to do your wife on it or something? Cause if you do, you probably gotta measure her ass." It was his ice-breaker. He had just bought a nice pair of shoes and suit and gotten an apartment, although he needed to wait for his social security check to come in next week, and he's getting two of them because they sent last months late. He had a ten dollar bill in his inner coat pocket and liked to watch the leaves change color and listen to the trucks go by. You'd think he would look like this:
But he actually looks more like this:

I was pretty excited to meet a real celebrity.

throwin up dynasty signs

8:30 on a Friday night. My car just broke down and I'm hanging out at home alone watching Dynasty, 4 discs worth. Can't wait!

Math Project

I'm doing a math project where I have to quantitatively analyze something. I chose to do my project on United States municipal solid waste. I have tons of data that I have to format and present in an interesting way, and it's really tedious. Here's some of what I got:

How much of Portland's land area would a years worth of US garbage cover (including recycling and compost)?

Approximately 41.38% at a height of 1 cubic yard

How many landfills are there in the United States?

13,091

How many landfills per settlement (city, town, township, etc, excluding groupings such as counties)?

71 per hundred

Approximately how much total MSW (Municipal Solid Waste) has been generated in the last 45 years?

9,245,015,000 tons

How much of Portland's land area would 46 years of US produced MSW cover?

At 1,500 lbs/cubic yard, 9,245,015,000 tons, 2000 lbs/ton, 3,097,600 sq. yd./sq. mi.:
9,245,015,000 tons * 2000 lbs = 18,490,030,000,000 lbs
18,490,030,000,000 lbs / 1500 lbs/cu. yd. = 12,326,686,666.667 cu. yds.
12,326,686,666.667 sq. yds. / 3,097,600 sq. yd./sq. mi. = 3,979.431 sq. mi.

Portland has a total land area of approximately 145 sq. mi., so:
3,979.431 sq. mi. / 145 sq. mi. = 27.444 times the land mass of Portland at one yard height. This means that Portland could be completely covered in garbage stacked 82.3 feet high at 3 ft/yd. That's almost five times the average height of a full-grown giraffe.

I wrote a computer program to figure out some figures:

Waste from 1960-2005 (Tons):
1960: 88,120,000
1961 – 1970: 1,062,370,000
1971 – 1980: 1,378,790,000
1981 – 1990: 1,811,035,000
1991 – 1995: 1,051,520,000
1996 – 1999: 899,050,000
2000: 231,960,000
2001: 229,230,000
2002-2005: 971,345,000
------------------------------
9,245,015,000

That's nine billion tons of trash (about 18.5 trillion pounds) of trash over the last 45 years!

The Blogger blog update interface sucks, btw.

Who will finish last?

Prezidentz of the Eunighted St8z of Uh-Meric-Uh

Here are photos of all 43 presidents, and Barack Obama who is going to be president (yay!):

	George Washington
	John Adams
	Thomas Jefferson
	James Madison
	James Monroe
	John Q. Adams
	Andrew Jackson
	Martin Van Buren
	William Henry Harrison
	John Tyler

This is taking too long. Maybe I'll do it more later.

[]\[] (][) s e b l e e [][) [] s l a []\[] [][)

NAZIS!! DRACULA! ROBOT!!! GOD'S GIANT NOSE!!!!

THIS IS EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIFE

sucky baby

FUNNY SHIT!

I really like this map

I'm working on a "personal map" project for my illustration class and my teacher brought in a book of maps in which this one was:

"I daaare you to stick your dick in this"

Here's some good Notorious BIG stuff. With Method Man:


The Wickedest Freestyle:


Freestyling at 17:


There's also a video of him, filmed by one of his crew, with Lil Kim and some other people getting kicked out of the Hyatt I think because they were being too rowdy or something. It's like 15-20 minutes and used to be on YouTube but I can't find it anymore.

I'm at Jazz Katz caffe in the Hollywood District

It used to be 42nd Ave Coffee Shop, now it's Jazz Katz (or Kats, I don't see a sign saying what it is.) It's better than it used to be but still kind of hokey. Did I say that right? Hokey? Hoe-key?

Hokey?


Ho, key?

Hoe key?
Hoky?

Hokie?

I mean Groupie.

My president is black, rolls golden charms Twenty-two inch rims like Hulk Hogan's arms

Yeah, be the realest shit I never wrote
I ain't write this by the way nigga, some real shit right here nigga
This'll be the realest shit you ever quote
Let's go!

My president is black, my Lambo's blue
And I'll be goddamned if my rims ain't too
My momma ain't at home, and daddy's still in jail
Tryna make a plate, anybody seen the scale?
My president is black, my Lambo's blue
And I'll be goddamned if my rims ain't too
My money's light green and my Jordans light grey
And they love to see white, now how much you tryna pay?
Let's go!

Today was a good day, hope I have me a great night
I don't know what you fishin for but catch you a great white
Me, I see great white, heavy as killer whales
I cannot believe this, who knew it came in bails
Who knew what came with jail, who knew what came with prison
Just cause you got opinions, does that make you a politician?
Bush robbed all of us, would that make him a criminal?
And then he cheated in Florida, would that make him a seminal?
I say and I quote, "We need a miracle"
And I say a miracle cause this shit is hysterical
By my nephews and nieces, I will email Jesus
Tell him forward to Moses and CC Allah
Mr. Soul Survivor, guess that make me a Konvict
Be all you be, now don't that sound like some dumb shit
When you die over crude oil as black as my nigga Boo
It's really a Desert Storm, that's word to my nigga Clue
Catch me in Las Vegas, A.R. Arizona
Rep for them real niggas, I'm winnin in California
Winnin in Tennessee, hands down Atlanta
Landslide Alabama, on my way to Sevana

I said I woke up this morning, headache this big
Pay all these damn bills, feed all these damn kids
Buy all these school shoes, buy all these school clothes
For some strange reason my son addicted to Polos
Love me some spinach dip, I'm addicted to Houston's
And if the numbers is right I take a trip out to Houston
An earthquake out in China, a hurricane in New Orleans
Street Dreams Tour, I showed my ass in New Orleans
Did it for Soulja Slim, brought out B.G.
It's all love Bun, I'm forgivin you Pimp C
You know how the Pimp be, that nigga gon' speak his mind
If he could speak down from heaven he'd tell me stay on my grind
Tell him I'm doin fine, Obama for mankind
We ready for damn change so y'all let the man shine
Stuntin on Martin Luther, feelin just like a king
Guess this is what he meant when he said that he had a dream

Yeah, our history, black history, no president ever did shit for me
Had to hit the streets, had to flip some keys so a nigga won't go broke
Then they put us in jail, now a nigga can't go vote
So I spend doe, all these hoes is trippin
She a ain't a politician, honey's a polotician
My president is black, rolls golden charms
Twenty-two inch rims like Hulk Hogan's arms
When thousands of peoples is riled up to see you
That can arouse ya ego, we got mouths to feed so
Gotta stay true to who you are and where you came from
Cause at the top will be the same place you hang from
No matter how big you can ever be
For whatever fee or publicity, never lose your integrity
For years there's been surprise horses in this stable
Just two albums in, I'm the realest nigga on this label
Mr. Black President, yo Obama for real
They gotta put your face on the five-thousand dollar bill

So I'm sittin right here now man
It's June 3rd haha, 2:08 AM
Nigga I won't say win, lose or draw
Man we congratulate you already homie
See I motivate the thugs right
You motivate us homie, that's what it is
This a hands on policy, y'all touchin me right nigga
Yeah, first black president, win, lose or draw nigga
Haha, matter of fact, you know what it is man
Shouts out to Jackie Robinson, Booker T, Washington homie
Oh you ain't think I knew that shit?
Sydney portea what dey do?
Haha, my president is black
I'm important too though, my Lambo's blue
I was, I was the first nigga to ride through my hood in a Lamborghini yeah haha

OMG []DRESIDENT (][)BAMA!! YAY!!!

I had such a good day! Here it is in order:

1) M. Kellerman, the girl who works at a circus, talked to me a lot!
2) My comic book artist teacher knows Jesse Reklaw (slowwave) and said if I wanted, he'd bring him in to talk to the class! I want to know why he painted Joust pictures.
3) I argued with the door man at Holocene who was there on his day off, about why he lets certain people in without stamps among other things (he was turning "everyone" without stamps away) and he finally let me in after 30-45 mins or so, saying, "You see? These things just take time.", and you can be sure he'll fucking remember me from now on. But that wait didn't bum me out because I met an awesome girl!! She's probably Russian in some way and was wearing an Obama shirt and really awesome! Her and her friend left because they wouldn't play any more Madonna or something. Missed Connection time, if I don't fall asleep in a sec.
4) OBAMA IS OUR NEW PRESIDENT! BEST NEWS OF ALL!! I don't think I've ever felt more good about anything political since I was probably seven or eight years old and saw Reagan on TV and thought he was a funny guy. I laughed, which felt good in my tummy, but not good like cookies, I'm sure. I want a John Travolta cookie right now. This retarded group of what I presume were seven or eight Libertarian Socialists, a group which I used to identify most with, were marching around chanting "NOBAMA 2008!" I don't know where I stand now, but Obama sure inspires me!
5) There's more, I think, but I can't stay awake now. Go s--- a d---, f-gg-ts.

young hotz

the other two c's asked for this.

there's also one thing I didn't put on because it was too fucked up. Or maybe more than one. I don't remember.